Shifting considerations.

You can never escape moments of reflection. Whether you want too or not, you find yourself thinking. It is usually nothing, just nonchalantly tracing over something nostalgic. It starts out innocently enough, until it steadily cavalcades towards a headache. I'm having one of those moments now, and I think I've been here for the greater half of this month.

Lately I have been having a reevaluation of priorities, and a reconsidering of what I want. When I moved to New York I did it for opportunity. I started school without hesitation, and absorbed myself in a major I saw as a sensible solution. Maybe I got caught up in the idea of progressing, or maybe it was escapism. Either way, I chose design because it seemed like a way to make money while doing something I found tolerable. It was not desire for happiness, but toleration; just a door to survival.

But its more than that really. Nothing is simple. Everything is constantly evolving. I grew fond of developing a skill-set and the possibilities I felt. Because of that change, that evolution of motives, I am caught in this moment of reflection. I think it was triggered by my life here: I have been in Japan for quite a few months now, and my time here has certainly been a catalyst for many things. One of which is reconsidering the reasons why my life is headed in a straight line. Nothing is as simple as a straight line, so something must be array.

I think it is impossible to have total faith in the choices you've made in life. But, to make it clear, I am also not talking about regret. What I mean is more like curiosity for a new level of analytical self-awareness. As far as my education is considered I chose design, and with one semester left, I am not retracting my decision. However, I am thinking about how I want to use what I have developed. And in which ways I can apply them in order to generate something more satisfactory than mere toleration. After all, I design but I am not just design.

No one is "just" anything.

Which brings me to my interest: People, human relationships, societal changes and cultural adaptations. And art, lets not forget that.

Then perhaps design wasn't a wrong turn? It can involve all of what I mentioned above. Perhaps I should use my skills unconventionally; to be concentrated on a goal rather than a livelihood. I wonder if I should develop this idea, or at least follow a similar direction. If I could use my skill-set to make a difference, if it could change things, then perhaps it is a goal worth working towards. I could be satisfied at least. Idealistic, I know, but without crazy ideas nothing would happen. So maybe I am on the right track, or at least near one. I just have no idea how to do it just yet.

But what I do know is that a 9-5 job will devastate me. I feel it would make me void; it would be living in shades of gray. I am too ambitious to be typesetting newspaper ads. And I am too suborn to concede to the idea of it. I don't want to waste my life making money. I never have. And I am scared of the idea that my life could end up that way.

So I wont let it. Or at least go down with gunfire.